Personalize It!

I just got a thank you card in the mail today. Funny thing was that the actual thank you was typed, printed, and pasted into the thank you card. Although I was extremely happy to get an actual card in the mail, I was a bit offended that the actual thanks was not handwritten. We have become such a computer literate society, which is a good thing. Some things, however, need to be handwritten, imho. Some things need to be personalized. Imagine if you got a love letter that was cut and pasted onto pink paper. What if someone cut and pasted a comment into your yearbook? When dealing with close friends/lovers, I say personalize it with your one-of-a-kind handwriting. I remember getting a love letter with perfume and lipstick kisses. Sealed with a kiss used to be literally sealed with an actual kiss. Nowadays, SWAK is about as intimate as LOL is contagious.
The page above is a personalized page out of an old FriendSaver. Note the watercolor and hawk feathers. This personalized collage brings back a lot of good memories that "Arial bold 12 point" could never evoke.

Reach Out and Touch Someone

Focus on the Positive

Focusing on the positives is one of the most important things to do in a friendship. We often take friends for granted which leads to being overcritical. Why doesn't so-and-so return my emails within 24 hours? I know she has an iPhone, so she must be ignoring me. Why wasn't I invited to the get-together in Tahoe? Why does so-and-so never put in enough money for tip? Sound familiar?

I have a friend who always sees the cup as half empty instead of half full. He always seems to point out the negative side of things. "This restaurant is too noisy." "It's too hot in here. Don't you have air-conditioning?" "Your hair is getting too long. You should cut it." "Those people over there are so rude. I'm so annoyed." I want to tell him, "You're the one that is rude and annoying, Mr. Rain-on-my-Parade." The funny thing is that when I'm getting upset with him for being so negative, I'm BEING NEGATIVE. When I focus on the positives, I realize that he is a very loyal, caring friend who tolerates MY flaws.

It reminds me of a saying: "Never over-estimate your ability to change others, but don't under-estimate your ability to change yourself." Another way to say this comes from the King of Pop: "I'm starting with the man in the mirror." Michael Jackson Rest In Peace. It's amazing how focusing on the positives strengthens your bonds with friends. Michaeal Jackson is a perfect example. After he died, everyone focused on the positive aspects of his life, and we all realized how he made the entire world a better place. But when he was alive, so many people focused on the negative aspects of his life that we took him for granted. I guarantee you that there are millions of people out there who wished they had bonded with Michael while he was alive--whether that means seeing him in concert, sending him a letter, or giving him a hug.

One way to focus on positives is to learn what a friend's dreams and goals are. When we learn what a person dreams about, we can look beyond their flaws because we understand what they are striving for. Maybe the friend who doesn't leave enough money for tip dreams of owning their own house, so they are saving every last penny. A Buddhist monk once told me that everyone is just trying to be happy. If you can see that, then you can understand their actions and forgive them their trespasses. When we know a person's dreams and goals, we remind ourselves that they are just trying to be happy. We forgive them their faults. This opens our hearts to love them a bit more. Positive vibrations, everyone!

Favorite Memory

I've found it useful to write down, share, and recollect my favorite memories with friends. Indulging in a favorite memory helps me see what is so special about a particular friend or friendship, so I try to be as specific as possible. For example, when asked what is a favorite memory about a college friend, I try to remember a particular event or a specific moment in time. Many people will say, "Freshman year in the dorms" or "Spring Break in Cabo." Freshman year in the dorms is not a memory; it is a vague reference to thousands of memories that happened with hundreds of people over the course of a year.

Case in point, when I was traveling around the world, I met and hung out with a soul surfer named Garth. Garth lived on a permaculture farm in South Australia in a 3-wall shack with no running water, telephone or electricity. One of my favorite memories with Garth was when we were eating a delicious vegan meal in the shack. Since the shack only had 3 walls the wind would blow straight in your face on certain days. Garth grew all his own food and used to have us pee in a bucket which he would dilute and use as fertilizer. On this particular day the wind was blowing the smells from the piss buckets into the shack. I was freaking out about having the smell of piss in the shack while we were eating. Garth said, "There are no bad smells or good smells, only strong smells and weak smells. Your mind judges the smells as good or bad." This equanimity and optimism really captures who Garth is. I often find that when I am upset that I am judging certain things or people as bad. When I simply see these occurrences or people without judgment, I have an easier time being happy. If I would have said that my favorite memory with Garth was "hanging out in Australia," I might have forgotten this magical moment and lesson.

Cherish Friendships

This seems pretty obvious, but it is not what you think. Let me give you some background. At one of the lowest points in my life, after living in my car, I was renting this tiny bedroom from a complete stranger. I wasn't feeling too good about myself, so I had cut off all contact with most of my friends and family. I found it hard to make new friends, and I felt uncomfortable calling up old friends. I would sit on the floor of this unfurnished bedroom and thumb through my journals and photo albums--personal journals, FriendSavers, travel journals and photos. Even though I was completely isolated, I was comforted by the memories of good times in the past. I was like a shooting guard who was in a shooting slump, so I looked at old videos of how well I shot the ball. Knowing that I had made some great friends and shared some special moments with them, assured me that I would break out of this slump and re-connect in the future.

It reminds me of this conversation I had with a Native American tribal leader. He said that Americans are always buying insurance to protect them from bad times, but he believed in in-assurance--assurance in himself and his tribe--to get him through the bad times. These keepsakes were my in-assurance. The people in my FriendSaver were like the lost members of my tribe who gave me the strength to carry on.

When I say "cherish friendships," I do mean to cherish the friends you have now. Call them up, send them a letter, write them a poem. If you do, you might never have to go through the isolation that I experienced. What I also mean by "cherish friendships" is to preserve them and hold onto them. Write in a journal, make a photo album, make a video of the good times you had with friends. It is these keepsakes that will keep you safe in tough times.