Virtual Friends

Are you a virtual friend? I read a story about a guy on Facebook who had over 150 Facebook friends. He decided to throw a party, so he sent out an invitation to all his Facebook friends. No one showed up! He quickly found out who were his real friends and who were his virtual friends. There should actually be a new word for virtual friends, because they don't do the things that old friends used to do. Old friends would write, call, hug, and visit on a regular basis. Virtual friends rarely write, call, hug or visit. In my book, this is not a friend. I hear some people say that they can't be bothered printing out a photo or doing something creative in the FriendSaver. I don't sweat these people; I just realize that they are not real friends. A real friend wants to do something creative and thoughtful for their friends. How many real friends do you have? How many people are you a real friend to?

Go Team!

Just watched the USA Women's golf team win the Solheim Cup which is a team event the pits the best women golfers from the USA against Europe's best. I was touched by how much emotion gushed out during the post-victory interviews. Golfers with million dollar contracts who had won major championships tearfully declared that this was the best thing that had ever happened to them. This just reaffirms my belief that the most important thing in this world is relationships--not money nor fame nor winning. I've met quite a few miserable rich people. If you don't believe me, watch The Millionare Matchmaker. If you look in the tabloids, famous people suck at being happy. I think we can all agree that winning does not guarantee happiness. But relationships make waking up everyday a pleasure. When my son hugs me and smooshes his cheek against mine, I could careless how much money I have in the bank or who knows my name or what I've won or lost.

One of the most special relationships happens between teammates. Something in the sweat and tears shed through the hours of practice bonds individuals regardless of the outcome. Maybe it is the trust that is shared freely, knowing that someone has got your back no matter what. An old teammate is like an old lover; no matter how much time has past, you will always have a very special connection. Cherish that connection. It is what life is all about.

Savor It

I just finished a week long cleansing fast. The reason I did the fast was not because of my health, although fasting has kept me healthy in the past. I decided to fast because food had lost its taste. I was eating to live, but not living to eat. "In the abundance of water, the fools is thirsty."--Bob Marley, Rat Race. So, I decided to eat only raw fruits and vegetables for a week. Suddenly, lettuce had taste and texture and temperature. Peaches were the best thing ever. Grapes were like small bursts of joy. I learned to appreciate food again in its natural form.

The same can be said about friendship. The rat race we live in is on super fast forward compared to what Bob Marley was talking about. We have 10 different fast food restaurants within one city block. We have thousands of channels on tv plus On Demand and Youtube. We have 500 friends on Facebook, but do we savor any of them? Have our friendships lost their taste? It reminds me of a time when I was on the North Shore of Oahu surfing. One of my pro surfer friends had to go to the airport to pick up 10 new surfboards that were custom made for him. Another older surfer pulled me aside and asked, "How can you love 10 surfboards?" How can we give the time and attention to 500 friends on Facebook?

I'm currently filling out FriendSavers for some close friends who I haven't seen in a while. It is taking me about a week to fill out one page, because I'm trying to be creative, artistic and personal--things which don't come easy for me. Some how after filling out a page with some heart-felt words and awkward artwork, my friendship with these people "tastes better." Make any sense?

Personalize It!

I just got a thank you card in the mail today. Funny thing was that the actual thank you was typed, printed, and pasted into the thank you card. Although I was extremely happy to get an actual card in the mail, I was a bit offended that the actual thanks was not handwritten. We have become such a computer literate society, which is a good thing. Some things, however, need to be handwritten, imho. Some things need to be personalized. Imagine if you got a love letter that was cut and pasted onto pink paper. What if someone cut and pasted a comment into your yearbook? When dealing with close friends/lovers, I say personalize it with your one-of-a-kind handwriting. I remember getting a love letter with perfume and lipstick kisses. Sealed with a kiss used to be literally sealed with an actual kiss. Nowadays, SWAK is about as intimate as LOL is contagious.
The page above is a personalized page out of an old FriendSaver. Note the watercolor and hawk feathers. This personalized collage brings back a lot of good memories that "Arial bold 12 point" could never evoke.

Reach Out and Touch Someone

Focus on the Positive

Focusing on the positives is one of the most important things to do in a friendship. We often take friends for granted which leads to being overcritical. Why doesn't so-and-so return my emails within 24 hours? I know she has an iPhone, so she must be ignoring me. Why wasn't I invited to the get-together in Tahoe? Why does so-and-so never put in enough money for tip? Sound familiar?

I have a friend who always sees the cup as half empty instead of half full. He always seems to point out the negative side of things. "This restaurant is too noisy." "It's too hot in here. Don't you have air-conditioning?" "Your hair is getting too long. You should cut it." "Those people over there are so rude. I'm so annoyed." I want to tell him, "You're the one that is rude and annoying, Mr. Rain-on-my-Parade." The funny thing is that when I'm getting upset with him for being so negative, I'm BEING NEGATIVE. When I focus on the positives, I realize that he is a very loyal, caring friend who tolerates MY flaws.

It reminds me of a saying: "Never over-estimate your ability to change others, but don't under-estimate your ability to change yourself." Another way to say this comes from the King of Pop: "I'm starting with the man in the mirror." Michael Jackson Rest In Peace. It's amazing how focusing on the positives strengthens your bonds with friends. Michaeal Jackson is a perfect example. After he died, everyone focused on the positive aspects of his life, and we all realized how he made the entire world a better place. But when he was alive, so many people focused on the negative aspects of his life that we took him for granted. I guarantee you that there are millions of people out there who wished they had bonded with Michael while he was alive--whether that means seeing him in concert, sending him a letter, or giving him a hug.

One way to focus on positives is to learn what a friend's dreams and goals are. When we learn what a person dreams about, we can look beyond their flaws because we understand what they are striving for. Maybe the friend who doesn't leave enough money for tip dreams of owning their own house, so they are saving every last penny. A Buddhist monk once told me that everyone is just trying to be happy. If you can see that, then you can understand their actions and forgive them their trespasses. When we know a person's dreams and goals, we remind ourselves that they are just trying to be happy. We forgive them their faults. This opens our hearts to love them a bit more. Positive vibrations, everyone!

Favorite Memory

I've found it useful to write down, share, and recollect my favorite memories with friends. Indulging in a favorite memory helps me see what is so special about a particular friend or friendship, so I try to be as specific as possible. For example, when asked what is a favorite memory about a college friend, I try to remember a particular event or a specific moment in time. Many people will say, "Freshman year in the dorms" or "Spring Break in Cabo." Freshman year in the dorms is not a memory; it is a vague reference to thousands of memories that happened with hundreds of people over the course of a year.

Case in point, when I was traveling around the world, I met and hung out with a soul surfer named Garth. Garth lived on a permaculture farm in South Australia in a 3-wall shack with no running water, telephone or electricity. One of my favorite memories with Garth was when we were eating a delicious vegan meal in the shack. Since the shack only had 3 walls the wind would blow straight in your face on certain days. Garth grew all his own food and used to have us pee in a bucket which he would dilute and use as fertilizer. On this particular day the wind was blowing the smells from the piss buckets into the shack. I was freaking out about having the smell of piss in the shack while we were eating. Garth said, "There are no bad smells or good smells, only strong smells and weak smells. Your mind judges the smells as good or bad." This equanimity and optimism really captures who Garth is. I often find that when I am upset that I am judging certain things or people as bad. When I simply see these occurrences or people without judgment, I have an easier time being happy. If I would have said that my favorite memory with Garth was "hanging out in Australia," I might have forgotten this magical moment and lesson.

Cherish Friendships

This seems pretty obvious, but it is not what you think. Let me give you some background. At one of the lowest points in my life, after living in my car, I was renting this tiny bedroom from a complete stranger. I wasn't feeling too good about myself, so I had cut off all contact with most of my friends and family. I found it hard to make new friends, and I felt uncomfortable calling up old friends. I would sit on the floor of this unfurnished bedroom and thumb through my journals and photo albums--personal journals, FriendSavers, travel journals and photos. Even though I was completely isolated, I was comforted by the memories of good times in the past. I was like a shooting guard who was in a shooting slump, so I looked at old videos of how well I shot the ball. Knowing that I had made some great friends and shared some special moments with them, assured me that I would break out of this slump and re-connect in the future.

It reminds me of this conversation I had with a Native American tribal leader. He said that Americans are always buying insurance to protect them from bad times, but he believed in in-assurance--assurance in himself and his tribe--to get him through the bad times. These keepsakes were my in-assurance. The people in my FriendSaver were like the lost members of my tribe who gave me the strength to carry on.

When I say "cherish friendships," I do mean to cherish the friends you have now. Call them up, send them a letter, write them a poem. If you do, you might never have to go through the isolation that I experienced. What I also mean by "cherish friendships" is to preserve them and hold onto them. Write in a journal, make a photo album, make a video of the good times you had with friends. It is these keepsakes that will keep you safe in tough times.

"Hello World!"

For those of you who don't recognize the quotation, it's what Tiger Woods said at his first press conference after turning pro. I use this quotation because, like a lot of other people, I would love to have Tiger Woods as my friend. Why is it that we always want to be friends with people who are really famous? Does it stem from insecurities about who we are? More importantly, do you have friends right now who you are ignoring or avoiding because they are not famous or popular or good looking? I love to hear stories about Steven Speilberg when he was in high school. People didn't consider him "cool." Now those same people who shunned him in high school want to be his friend. It reminds me of one of my favorite Bob Marley songs, "The stone that the builder refuse, will always be the head cornerstone."